On Blue
November 14, 2021
(The original post was written in January 2021, the blogspot changed it because i edited the title from “Bluets: On Blue” to “On Blue”)
1. Where did it start? maybe it's from that afternoon in front of a small TV as I watched an episode of the famous cartoon of a band of teenagers seeking to be Ninja. One of them was this cool-ass kid with a blue shirt and cool blue hair, He was so―in my 5th-year grade eyes―so manly I was in awe. Indeed, my first love was a cartoon character. I chanted his name whenever people asked what kind of guy do I like. What can I say? The color of blue suits him nicely, a cool-colored facade hiding a frail and small fiery heart, hiding pain. What is there not to like about?
2. I never was a mountain person. The solitude between its trees frightened me. I prefer sea, always. A wide variant of blue, where the celeste sky kisses the navy sea directly. With us in between―mere human in a chunk of floating wood, giving out our blessings.
3. One day in a bookstore, I discovered this blue sparkling necklace stone which I only found out later called opalite, coming from the word "opaque", a shade of blue. It has this shimmering yellow in it, like a sun trapped in and decided to merge with its company instead. In the daylight, its small yellow cheering with dazzled. In nightime, her company, the opaque shines as if to tell the sun he is there, as her sun.
I never met such a stone again.
5. In some of our first talk, I told you about a blue rose, how I wished to have one. Three years later on my graduation day, you granted it for me. It took you all night to form it. It shaded dark blue, with delicate petals. It must have really taken you to hell and back. It stills on my shelf, preserved and undying.
6. On my 17th birthday, you and two of my loft mates surprised me with candlelights in the shape of "happy" words adjacent to my "17" age. There I got balls of chocolates with celebratory flags on top, a book I told you about and the one I bought too earlier in the noon (i now have two copies of them), short letters, and a tube-like blue candle to make a wish for. I forgot most of what I wished that day, I was beyond merry. I wondered if any of it were to come true. The blue candle still sits beside my bed, in the hope the wishes will come true in alternate dimensions.
7. In How I Met Your Mother, Ted stole a blue french horn for Robin. A love he fights for so long. A friend asked me why am I like this when you kept letting the chance down to the sink despite me convincing you through and times again. I quote Ted Mosby saying "...if I could give up, if I could just take the whole world's advice and just move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love. That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for." I don't know how to give up on people. It has always been my strength and my greatest weakness. If my friend couldn't understand it, at least Ted Mosby would.
8. On our parting day, I asked to keep one of your blue shirts. Everyone who knows you knows how much of a Mr. Blue you are. I love how the shades of blue fit you perfectly, a cool-colored facade hugging this big and soft fiery heart, embracing its pain.
The blue shirt has become a muse in some of my other poems. I imagine it would hug me, maybe the fragments of its former flesh will emerge and the beating in the center of this mass will find a way to felt yours again.
I guess all I am saying is, as a muse, the blue shirt works properly, for I wear it right now as I write these.
Feeling yet again, in blue.
"..I am writing all this down in blue ink, so as to remember that all words, not just some, are written in water...”― Maggie Nelson, Bluets
“I have heard that this pain can be converted, as it were, by accepting “the fundamental impermanence of all things.” This acceptance bewilders me: sometimes it seems an act of will; at others, of surrender.”
- Maggie Nelson, Bluets
"The most I can say is that this time I learned my lesson. I stopped hoping. Perhaps, in time, I will also stop missing you."
- Maggie Nelson, Bluets
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